if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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