dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
