i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
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This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
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But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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