I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
