she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
