Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
