My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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