ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
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