Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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