Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
This girl is more easily done than said...
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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