I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
