Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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