I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
