Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
