i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
