I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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