dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
