go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
