a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
