dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
