hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
