haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
