he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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