I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
