Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
