I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
