He disabled his match.com account in front of me
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
