how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
