Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
