I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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