Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
