I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
