The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
