it was like his penis was on wheels.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
