So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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