I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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