Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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