I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
