I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
