I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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