Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
