She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
