best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me