i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
No subtext here. People are naked.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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