yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
