drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
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Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
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He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
So. Much. Porn.
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