He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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