I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
