I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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