I accidentally had phone sex last night
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
