You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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