She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize