Me. At least after what I've been through.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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