I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
