every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
His hands were made for my vagina.
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I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
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I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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