whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
