then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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