he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
