Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
