i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Everyone says I win the strip club
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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